フルーツフルイングリッシュ 課題添削

オンラインの英作文添削サービス「フルーツフルイングリッシュ」の課題提出と添削結果を今日も恥ずかしながら紹介します。

 

前回は日本人の講師の方に添削していただきましたが、今回はネイティブの方に頼みました。添削結果や解説も英語です。

 

では今回もまず、英文にしたかった日本語の文章を書きます。

普段映画は、邦画ではなく、楽しみと勉強をかねて洋画を観ます。でもこの前、たまたま「紙の月」という邦画をテレビで観ました。その映画は主人公が太陽の光を顔に浴びながら走り、賛美歌が流れるシーンが大変印象的でした。言うまでもなく、日本語で映画を観ることは洋画より理解できます。それと同時に思うのは洋画を観るときも邦画観るときと同じぐらい理解できるように英語の能力を高めないといけないなということです。まだまだ道は長いです。

 

続いて提出した英文と添削結果です。

提出した英文

A) Usually, I watch Foreign movies instead of Japanese movies, because(B) , I want to enjoy it and learn English at the same time. (C) But, I happened to watch a Japanese movie called Kami no Tsuki on TV. It has a beautiful last part (D) that (E) main character is running with sunshine on her face with a Hymn (F) was so impressed me. Needless to say, I thought that watching (G) movie (H) by my native language makes me understand better than foreign language movies. Simultaneously, I thought my English ability has to be improved so that can (I) listen English just like Japanese. I still have a long way to go.

 

添削結果

(A) I usually watch foreign movies instead of Japanese movies, because(B) I want to enjoy it and learn English at the same time. (C)However, I happened to watch a Japanese movie called Kami no Tsuki on TV. It has a beautiful last part (D)in which (E)the main character is running with sunshine on her face with a Hymn (F) that so impressed me. Needless to say, I thought that watching (G)a movie (H) in my native language makes me understand better than foreign language movies. Simultaneously, I thought my English ability has to be improved so that can (I) understand English just like Japanese. I still have a long way to go.

 

そして解説です。

(A) Structure
In English, adverbs are typically placed before the word they modify. Therefore, we should place the adverb ‘usually’ before the word ‘watch’ in the sentence, to describe how often you watch foreign movies rather than Japanese ones

(B) Structure
We only need to place a comma before the conjunction, and not after. Therefore, we can omit the comma after the conjunction ‘because’ here

(C) Structure
We do not use conjunctions to begin single clause sentences. This is known as a ‘run-on’ sentence. Instead, we can use a conjunctive adverb like ‘However’ to show the contrast between these 2 complete sentences

(D) Unnatural wording
Instead of ‘that’, we use ‘in which’ to describe what happens in this scene that you describe, which is the main character runs with sunshine on her face

(E) Article
Since you are referring to a specific character here, the main character of the movie you watched before, the definite article is needed

(F) Relative pronoun
The relative pronoun ‘that’ is used to connect to complete clauses. Here, we use ‘that’ to describe how this final scene of the movie is what really impressed you

(G) Article

(H) Preposition

(I) Unnatural wording
‘Listen’ simply describes ‘hearing’ something. Instead, you can use ‘understand’ to describe being able to hear and understand the meaning of the English you are hearing

 

続いて日本人インストラクターの時と同様に、提出課題に要望などを一言添えることができます。

今回はこんな風に書きました。

Hello, teacher! I wrote “so that can listen English just like Japanese”. I think “just like” is a little casual compared to other words. May I have other expressions? Thank you in advance!

 

するとこんな回答をいただきました。

Hey ○○, 
Overall great job, your phrasing and grammar were both very natural. Your most common errors here were quite minor and mostly related to your structure, so please take a look at my corrections and explanations for more guidance. 
To answer your question, first note that instead of ‘listen’, you should use ‘understand’ or ‘comprehend’, to describe how you want to be able to understand or comprehend the meaning of what you hear or listen to in English. Instead of ‘just like’, you can also use ‘the same as~’ to describe have the same understanding of Japanese and English. For example ‘I want to be able to understand Japanese the same as English’. 
Hope this helps ○○ and keep up the great work. Don’t hesitate to ask any questions and thanks for writing! 
Also, well done on your 2nd assignment! I hope you enjoy your time here at Fruitful English and have fun improving your language with us. All of the instructors here are happy to help! Happy weekend!

 

次回はこの提出課題と添削結果についての感想を書いてみようと思います。

大変長くなりましたが、読んでくださった方、ありがとうございます!

 

 

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